On Monday I spent the day in Sydney City with my third cousin Charlotte who was visiting Australia from England. She was in Australia for three weeks but this was the only day that I saw her since she had a very tight schedule and many people to see while she was here. It was hard to decide where to take her because I saw her on the last day of her trip so she had already seen most of Sydney. In the end we walked across the Harbour Bridge, went on a ferry on the harbour and had lunch by the sea. It was a fun and interesting day except for the cold and rainy weather. I enjoyed Charlotte's company and even though this is only the second time I have met her (the first time was fourteen years ago), it felt like I knew her much better than that. Its a strange feeling in this respect and wondering whether it will be another ten years before we meet again. This whole experience made me think about how different things would have been if it was Charlotte's mum that came to Australia from England as a young girl rather than my mum.
I'm sorry to be so negative on my blog but again I need to express how I feel and I need you, as my friends, to be here for me. I haven't been feeling very good lately and some of my thoughts from the begining of the year have returned. I have tried to think more positively and turn my situation around but I simply cannot and I think it is more serious than that. Its difficult to explain everything just here but I feel very lost and quite depressed and tired a lot of the time. I am still struggling with basic tasks such as study and work which I used to do so easily before this year. Many people think that my life is good but thats no use unless I feel it myself and it doesn't make things easier for me because I am not happy within myself. I feel extremely nervous, anxious and overwhelmed and sometimes I can't even explain why. These feelings come and go after a few weeks at a time.
I feel like it is partly a result of the relationships in my personal life which have become increasingly complex. Trying to fulfil people's expectations and coming to the realisation that my life choices will usually hurt at least some people in my life, has been very stressful. Sometimes it feels like trying to sort this out is a full time job and I simply cannot bring myself to think about study. So now I have some questions for you and any advice would be greatly appreciated. What do you do when you feel replaced and like you no longer fulfil the role in someone's life that you once did? What do you do when someone who is very important to you and you love very much is drifting apart? What if it is a direct result of someone else entering your life and is no fault of your own?
Thank you xxxxx