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Friday, December 10, 2010

Life Ramblings

Since I have been on university holidays with an extensive amount of free time I have found myself deeply thinking about and analysing my life. This often happens when I am in this position and my mind addresses a myriad of past, present and future events. It brings back an array of memories that are both good and bad and many different feelings. I think it might not be the best for my state of mind when I have had such a difficult year and when I am trying to achieve acceptance in my life because it brings out a lot of feelings that I generally push towards the side when I am in an academic semester. But overall I am pleased to have this time because it allows me to let out thoughts and feelings and that is partially what I need.

For me, my final year of high school was one of the most significant years of my life and a time that I remember with extreme clarity. It was a year of mixed emotions and widespread changes in my personal and academic life. It was one of the hardest years of my life as I pushed myself to achieve high results and gain entry to my law and commerce degree but also one of the most rewarding when I consider my achievements for that year. This year my sister finished high school so this year many thoughts and feelings of my experience in that position have returned to me. In many ways I felt as though I was that same high school girl that I was back in 2007.

Now, three years since my high school graduation, I regularly think about what I have achieved and whether or not my life has been worthwhile in the time I have spent out of school. Prior to finishing my commerce degree a couple of weeks ago I wasn't sure if I liked that answers to those questions so this degree has had a huge impact of my sense of achievement and fulfilment. I have generally felt that I haven't lived up to my potential and the expectations of how I used to be perceived and my life has taken a different direction to the expected in some ways. In many ways I miss who I used to be. Here is what I miss:

My beautiful long hair
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Positivity and life direction
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First ever care free summer
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The innocence and bliss of my first relationship
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My best friend
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Happiness, peace, a relaxed state of mind
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Nana
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Academic Excellence
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Respect and admiration everywhere I went
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Time to decide
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I have changed a lot in those past three years and although some things are better for me now, I overall miss what I no longer have. These days I am stressed out, anxious, nervous and scared of so many things in life. I have lost life direction and motivation to achieve my goals and my fears prevent me from putting myself out there. I no longer have positivity, happiness or inner peace and there is always something on my mind. I am too dependent on other people's opinions for my self worth. It feels like I have lost respect and admiration since I have exposed my weaknesses to the people in my life who I want to like me the most. I feel replaced and like I no longer fulfil the role in certain people's lives that I used to. I'm always told that I over analyse situations and am too sensitive. I'm holding myself back and it needs to change...

The purpose of this post was not to feel sad and depressed about my life. I hope that it can be used as a reflection and a source of improvement. I always have difficulty forming goals and dreams and I'm never sure how to actually change my situation. I think this could be a starting point for who I want to be.

I hope the diversion from fashion related posts is fine. I really needed to explain my feelings.

9 comments:

Baśka said...

your hair is wonderful and so long! great pics, dear!

Susi said...

Well, I havn't read a blogpost for (I don't know - maybe never) that gave me so much food for thoughts! It seems as if you talk something for me away. I honestly found myself rambling through my own story of life after I've finished reading your text, because it concerns me so much!

This always happens to me when I have time to breathe or when I've left a chapter of life behind. Changing from school to university left those feeling, for example.

Does this happen to anyone? - This is an important question I'm often asking myself - Does anybody questioning themself if he/she wasted time - made wrong friends - made too many wrong decisions - is on the right way ... Yap, I know where you are coming from and your post just concerns me.

Jennifer Fabulous said...

These mixed emotions you're feeling right now are perfectly normal. You are at a major turning point in your life. I don't blame you for feeling lost and scared and without a sense of direction. I'd be a little surprised if you didn't feel that way. No one in their 20s knows for sure where their life is headed. If they think they know, they are in for a big surprise!

It's so easy to miss the past, especially if life was easier and more innocent back then. I loved seeing these photos of you from three years ago. Your long hair was gorgeous and that red dress is STUNNING on you. :)

I know this sounds cheesy and typical, but you really should focus on the positive aspects of your life right now. It might make things a little clearer for you. You are beautiful. You are engaged to a really great guy. You have a college degree. You have an awesome blog. You have some amazing friends (i.e. Jennifer Fabulous, hehe!!). You are young. You are healthy. After listing all that, I'm actually pretty jealous of you. ;)

Also, think about what you love and what you think would be interesting as a career. Just because you have a degree in commerce, it doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life doing a career in something you don't love. Perhaps you could seek a job in a field that interests you. Or go back to school for another degree in something fun. The possibilities are endless. Sometimes not knowing where your life is headed is fun. It's a mystery, an adventure! You can be anything you want!

Also, don't worry so much about what other people think of you. You talk a lot about losing respect and you know what, just continue being yourself. Life is too short to try and please everyone all the time. As long as you're Imogen (kind and sweet and smart and awesome) you have nothing to worry about. xoxo

Jennifer Fabulous said...

Wow that was incredibly long. I totally should have just e-mailed that to you. LOL!

Michelle said...

I understand your feelings of stress, pressure, and aching to find out who you are. Like your sister, this is my last year in high school and the stress is definitely piling on. I am currently second of my class, but surely I won't be by graduation time as my grades are beginning to slightly suffer. I'm fine with that, but the stress of possibly loosing a college acceptance due to it scares the hell out of me. I'd like to remember the times when I didn't know I could do so well, or I didn't pressue myself so much, but the fact is, those things are no longer there. I know you like to think about the past, but my friend once told me "we tend to make the past seem better than it really was." I'm not saying you should just forget about it, but like you mentioned try to move forward. I think your doing the best you can to just take your vacation to think. Think about where you want to be (and try to not involve anyone else but you) and just think that if you really want it, you can do it. Anything is possible. You just need to take the time to really think about what you want and think about how it will benefit YOU. You can't really think about anyone else but yourself, be selfish! It's your life, not anyone else's. If people don't approve, then they can't see how much you are really worth. It all begins with you believing in yourself to make things happen and to find happiness in your own life. <3

heart charlie said...

What a beautiful post and a beautiful life you have had so far! Only wonderful things are in the future for you! Thanks for sharing the photos and stories ;)

jess said...

I hope you can figure your feelings out. It will all work out.

Savvy Gal said...

you look fab.

Leah said...

You're still young and you'll still face a lot of challenges. But with your attitude, I know you can conquer them all. Always be positive, that's my little secret. xoxo