Since I have been on university holidays with an extensive amount of free time I have found myself deeply thinking about and analysing my life. This often happens when I am in this position and my mind addresses a myriad of past, present and future events. It brings back an array of memories that are both good and bad and many different feelings. I think it might not be the best for my state of mind when I have had such a difficult year and when I am trying to achieve acceptance in my life because it brings out a lot of feelings that I generally push towards the side when I am in an academic semester. But overall I am pleased to have this time because it allows me to let out thoughts and feelings and that is partially what I need.
For me, my final year of high school was one of the most significant years of my life and a time that I remember with extreme clarity. It was a year of mixed emotions and widespread changes in my personal and academic life. It was one of the hardest years of my life as I pushed myself to achieve high results and gain entry to my law and commerce degree but also one of the most rewarding when I consider my achievements for that year. This year my sister finished high school so this year many thoughts and feelings of my experience in that position have returned to me. In many ways I felt as though I was that same high school girl that I was back in 2007.
Now, three years since my high school graduation, I regularly think about what I have achieved and whether or not my life has been worthwhile in the time I have spent out of school. Prior to finishing my commerce degree a couple of weeks ago I wasn't sure if I liked that answers to those questions so this degree has had a huge impact of my sense of achievement and fulfilment. I have generally felt that I haven't lived up to my potential and the expectations of how I used to be perceived and my life has taken a different direction to the expected in some ways. In many ways I miss who I used to be. Here is what I miss:
My beautiful long hair
Positivity and life direction
First ever care free summer
The innocence and bliss of my first relationship
My best friend
Happiness, peace, a relaxed state of mind
Respect and admiration everywhere I went
Time to decide
I have changed a lot in those past three years and although some things are better for me now, I overall miss what I no longer have. These days I am stressed out, anxious, nervous and scared of so many things in life. I have lost life direction and motivation to achieve my goals and my fears prevent me from putting myself out there. I no longer have positivity, happiness or inner peace and there is always something on my mind. I am too dependent on other people's opinions for my self worth. It feels like I have lost respect and admiration since I have exposed my weaknesses to the people in my life who I want to like me the most. I feel replaced and like I no longer fulfil the role in certain people's lives that I used to. I'm always told that I over analyse situations and am too sensitive. I'm holding myself back and it needs to change...
The purpose of this post was not to feel sad and depressed about my life. I hope that it can be used as a reflection and a source of improvement. I always have difficulty forming goals and dreams and I'm never sure how to actually change my situation. I think this could be a starting point for who I want to be.
I hope the diversion from fashion related posts is fine. I really needed to explain my feelings.