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Friday, August 30, 2013

...and just like that...my world fell apart...

I'm sitting here alone with a bottle of champagne on this Friday night. How ironic, champagne is usually for a celebration yet I've had the worst day ever. Lets just say I could use some friends right now...

I feel extremely foolish for what I wrote here about work changing my life and how I felt happy for the first time in as long as I could remember. Now I feel devastated, like my whole world has been destroyed; nothing has ever hurt me more and my heart is broken. As you probably know, I've been working in Sydney city for a large multinational corporation as a company secretarial officer. As a casual employee and with my first job out of university, I was led to believe that I would be trained up to take on the permanent role. Today I found out that plans have changed and in the coming weeks I'll be replaced by an individual with many years of experience in the field. There are a few specific reasons why it hurts so much.

Firstly, I found out that the company never had any intention of hiring me on a permanent basis. It was a policy of upper management that recently came to light. I first found out about this job in March and started in July; for almost six months I was given the impression that I'd have a permanent position. I was continually told how fantastic I was at the role and that the intention was always to train me; my coworkers knew right from the start that it was my first ever serious job.  After today's news I've realised that the company merely used me as a casual employee until someone more experienced came along. I've been lied to and misled.

I know the business world is extremely competitive and I'm not the only person who has ever encountered this sort of experience. However, the reason I'm so devastated is because this job meant the entire world to me. I've never wanted anything more in my whole life. I took this job extremely seriously, I was incredibly motivated to learn, I stayed back late almost every day and to be honest I've never ever put so much effort into anything. I surprised myself; as a shy person with major anxieties, liasing with directors, calling randoms on the phone, meeting new people in a large corporate environment and assisting with the running of board meetings, was well out of my comfort zone. I never thought I'd be able to handle such tasks. I tried my hardest not to over analyse and to view criticism as a learning mechanism; this sort of thinking had previously been extremely foreign. I put my heart and soul into this job.It was my whole life. I thought hard work and dedication paid off but I'm no better off.




It was so much more than a job to me; it was the start of my new life; it was my recovery from a very depressing time. I'd been given the world. I felt positive, completely transformed and I was ready to move forward and build a life for myself. I was a different person; I finally though those dark days were behind me. I felt like a success story of depression and anxiety. I used to feel so happy that I'd sing and dance around the house frequently. I'd also drive my husband crazy with my continual conversations about life being wonderful, my years of study being worth it after previously feeling miserable and how grateful I was for the opportunity. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I didn't feel like a pathetic, worthless loser with nothing to offer. I was comfortable in myself and with life. For the first six months of this year I used to lie in bed most days and cry continually. The only solace was my blog. I was so depressed. It took everything within me to find the motivation to start work...but once I thought I'd been given a chance, I thrived.

To an extent I am proud of myself. I can walk away knowing that I applied maximum effort at all times and that there's actually nothing I could have done to get the permanent position. The company secretary was conservative and didn't want to give a first year out such incredible responsibility. He knew that from the start. It's frustrating because I finally felt proficient and capable of performing all tasks. I know I wasn't given a fair chance by this company. If I hadn't tried so hard, there would have always been a lot of doubts and what ifs present in my mind for eternity. In a strange way it's satisfying to know I couldn't have done any more.

Unfortunately it's a little hard to think like that now; I could honestly cry forever. As a person who struggles to find self worth, this is going to knock me back a lot.  My greatest fear now is falling back into a deep depression. 

My manager has been wonderful. She was almost as devastated by the news as I am. She said I didn't do anything wrong, it was rewarding to see my progress and she was impressed by my dedication to the job. If it was up to her, I would have a permanent role for life. She was the first person in a long time who believed in me and made me feel worthy. On the most miserable day of my life, I do feel like I've made a life long friend. I just wish I could have had the honor of working with her; I'm going to miss her.

It's been a difficult day; I certainly have supportive people in my life but not everyone understands. At the moment I don't want to talk about my long term job prospects or how many weeks I have left in my existing role. I need friends who care about how low I'm feeling right now, who understand how important this was to me and who, in a metaphoric sense, will cry with me. One day I will move on, but that will not be today. 

Love to you x

43 comments:

Ivana Džidić said...

I really sympathize with you...I think you can take comfort in the fact that you have done your job well and feel pride that you have managed to overcome your anxieties. I know it sounds cheesy, but try to focus on the positive. There are things in life we cannot control and we just have to accept that and do our best at those that we can.

Carly said...

I can totally empathise, the only thing to take away is that you DID do all of the tasks required even though you didn't think you could when you first started - this means you can pretty much do anything. In the UK, it's ridiculous - people think you won't be able to learn basic tasks and they make every job out to sound like a big deal which is just a lie basically. I find it so hard to trust people in situations like that because it's so hard to tell if they are just messing you around, they have no integrity, I guess that's not really a job requirement these days!
I honestly think you will go on to much better things in the future, and this was just a sign that the company wasn't such a great place for someone as honest and dedicated as you. You have so many awesome things going for you - seriously! I know it's probably hard to see it right now, but things will come right again. Don't let them take away all of your self worth, it's not fair! Take care of yourself and remember you deserve to do well because you're great and it will happen <3 xxx

The Dainty Dolls House said...

Am really sorry this happened to you. Such a shame they led you to believe there would be a permanent position for you. But, I think in life somethings happen for a reason and we may not always know the reason at the time, but we will be led to where we need to be. You've worked hard and done a great job, don't take that away from yourself, you will pick yourself up and go on. Your self worth is not in a job...it's find in yourself already, you are who you wish to be and you are an important person in this world and no job no matter what it is gives worth. You're alive and that's what matters. You have talents to give this world and they can't be taken away. You will find something again. It's terrible when these things happen, but sadly this is life. It can never be happy all the time and things don't always go our way, but it's what we do with these times that shows who we really are and how strong we can be and I know you'll come out on top!! Will be thinking good thoughts for you & I send you lots of hugs Xoxox

Mabel said...

Oh I'm so sorry :( I teared up while reading this because I understand how you feel. I was so happy for you for having a job and for feeling good. I struggle with confidence issues shyness and anxiety as well and a blow like this is a bad one, I've been there. I know you probably don't want to hear things like stay positive, you'll find something better, etc., but you have to believe it that. 2 years ago, I was up for a promotion at work and it was between me and my coworker (who is also my best friend) and she was chosen for the job. I was devastated and not happy for her at all lol. It was bad because my manager acted like she was going to give me the job all along and she didn't and I felt really bad about myself for a long time. BUT, I quit working there and I'm so much happier where I work now, so it was for the best. One positive thing is that you've made friends with your manager and she knows how much of a dedicated worker you are. It sounds like she'd be very willing to be a reference for you for future jobs. Again, I'm really sorry that this has happened. I wish there was something I could do for you!!! For now, just hang in there. Things will look up soon :)

Adriana Alfaro said...

I love the text!
don't be afraid everything is gonna be alright!
xoxo!

www.fashionfrisson.com

Couture Carrie said...

Oh darling I am so sorry... This will just be a distant memory soon, when you find a company that appreciates you. Keep your chin up, and try to remember all of your blessings :)

Hugs!

xoxox,
CC

Shes Dressing Up said...

I hope you start to feel better soon Imogen :(. Now you have great experience in the role & support from your manager, you are sure to get an even better job soon. I have my fingers crossed for you :)

Sue @ A Colourful Canvas said...

Oh dear Imogen, I'm so sorry to hear this news. You write your blog with great heart, and I know that you put that same heart into a job position that, in the end, isn't going where you hoped it would. This is indeed, a devastating blow. Wrapping you in a big cyber hug!

Sue xo

Anngelik Martinez said...

Im sorry to hear that! I cannot believe they did that to you, but you know what, you are a strong person, beautiful and smart with great style and you will conquer the world one way or another! It's heartbreaking news, but get up on your feet and keep working and moving forward because I know you can :)

-Vogue&Heels
www.vogueandheels.com

Jennifer Fabulous said...

I'm horrified, heartbroken, and completely outraged.

It's almost like they purposely picked you up and threw you in the air, only to walk away as you fell crashing to the ground. It's inhumane.

I'm so sorry you are in this nightmarish situation. It's so ironic how something like this could happen to such an intelligent, responsible, hardworking, and kind person.

I suppose all you can do now is cry and then once you wipe those tears away, use that little experience to find an even better job. Six months of hard work, dedication, and impressive progress is worth a LOT more than nothing. You're in a better position now than you were right after graduation. And with your former manager as a glowing reference, you won't have as much trouble finding something new the next time.

I know you loved that job, but think of it this way: if they had made you a permanent employee, the company's ugliness would have shown up a different time. They clearly are heartless and don't care about people. There might have been greater grief awaiting you further down the road. Who knows. It's frightening to work for a company like that one.

I'm sending lots of hugs and love your way. I wish I could be there to cry with you. XOXOXO

Francesca Romana Capizzi said...

Listen to me: it happened to me too. I found something better then. You have to take it as an experience, you will be more solid after this, don't worry! I mean that!
Don't Call Me Fashion Blogger
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CoutureTrend Jessica said...

Mi dispiace tanto cara! Ma tutto diventare meglio e questo solo un ricordo!

http://www.cultureandtrend.com/

Fabulous Petite said...

Awww hugs for you Imogen. I know what you are coming from since I been laid off for most of my work career. I am pretty sure that another wonderful job will come along. You are a good worker and a better company deserve you more.

xo
Sam
http://fabulouspetite.blogspot.com

Laura said...

oh no, i'm so sorry for you, dear! they're certainly losing a wonderful employee, but i'm sure there's something even better for you around the corner. keep your chin up and enjoy that bottle of champagne! xx

Maddie said...

I am really heartbroken to hear this story! Shame on them for loosing such a kind hearted and more importantly dedicated employee like you!
I really, really hope you don't fall back in the negativity- depression again, because you are such a beautiful, genuine and of course a smart person!
If anything, remember here are a lot of people who will support you no matter what happens! I am definitely feeling your sadness and, even though, I have not been in such a situation and I can only imagine how it feels like, my heart definitely goes out for you!
Chin up and remember it is their loss and I 100% know something better will come a long! Meanwhile a bottle of some bubbly champagne will definitely not hurt! :)

callmemaddie.blogspot.com

Sherin said...

Oh no - so sorry to hear that! Must have been awful.
I'm sure it'll be no time before another company see's your skills!

Ali Hval said...

Oh my dear, I am so terribly sorry to hear that... I bet you're feeling really quite deceived, and I can see why. They kept you and gave you comments that made you feel like you were doing well, which pushed you to go farther and work harder, and yet in the end they just are going to shoot you down? I wish I could be there right next to you and give you a big hug. You are an amazing individual and this just isn't something you deserve. They're going to be losing a very diligent employee, along with a very sweet and wells-spoken young lady. I am sure that with someone who has as big of a heart and works as hard as you do will be able to find a new, even better job quickly--you're nothing short of incredible, my dear, and I wish I could express that to you in real life. Good luck, my darling. I so wish I could say more than that!

Rosy said...

I cry with you in the distance, dear Imogen. I know that feeling of giving everything in a job and then we feel cheated because I've been there before. I think not enough words to get you back to lift your eyes up, certainly this is very hard ... but trust me, dear Imogen ... You will return to look up. Now you need to mourn, for you ease the pain and when you will be ready again, smile again. Everything will pass with time, believe me, I know that experience.

Tanya W. said...

I am so sorry to hear all that trouble happening through your life right now. You will be just fine and please stand up tall which is you already are, your new opportunity will come on the way soon dear! I wish you all the best and have a really blessed weekend!

http://www.attraction2fashion.com

Kezzie said...

You have absolutely nothing to feel foolish about, your post was from the heart and that was beautiful. I am really disappointed for you, what a shoddy way to be treated. But know that you have sooo much to give and we believe in you even if you don't feel like believing in yourself right now
Much love,xx

Emmylou said...

((((Hugs))) I'm really sorry to read this, Imogen:( I can totally understand how you feel. I'd be in the same state of mind:( But as you can tell from the comments, we (your readers) are here for you.
XOXO

Midnight Cowgirl said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. It's OK to be sad, but know that something good will come along.

Urszula Makowska said...

I'm so sorry to hear that :( Be strong and pick yourself up! This should make you stronger and this is the chance to prove that what they did is wrong and you can do better! Feel better!

xoxo
Urszula
www.fashfab.blogspot.com

THE DAILY FASHION DRUG said...

This is such sad news. I'm so sorry to hear that! :(
Maybe you can see this as a new opportunity to grow even more and be better than you have ever been with your future job.

Don't let it take you down babe! Be strong and stay positive. There are a lot more great jobs where you'll fit perfectly in, and where they appreciate you more :)

XO

kissandmakeupsbeautyblog.com said...

Oh no, this is awful news :-( :-( I can't believe that they are going to replace you just like that. I hate the way the corporate world always seems to prefer age and experience over someone who is still young but super motivated and full of growing potential! I am so sorry for you, girl :-(

Mica T said...

Aww I'm so sosrry to hear that! It's horrible, you must feel like they have pulled the rug out from under you.


Definitely use the weekend to heal and grieve. And know that on Monday, you will go back in, professional as ever and leave them wondering why they ever decided to let you go.

I know you don't want to see the positive right now, but you will once you have had time to let this all sink in. You have proved how great you are at the role, made a great friend in your manager, and will have a lovely reference for your CV when you apply for and score your next job :)


Away From Blue

LyddieGal said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the job. I know something else will come your way and you will be all the better for it having had this tough experience.
Chic on the Cheap

Gail J said...

Chin up girl. It's ok to cry but you gotta get up and fight for what you want right :) Believe in yourself and trust in what you do. <3

Cafe Fashionista said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, Imogen; and I completely understand where you're coming from. Please stay positive - you will find something perfect for yourself soon enough. :)

Shybiker said...

I'm so sorry, honey. It's terrible to be misled.

Please try to realize that you will rebound. You have strength inside you that will be tapped by this event. In fact, you will learn and grow from this experience. Becoming skeptical of others in business is an important trait; we need to lose our natural innocence to compete with the big boys.

In any case, I'm sorry about your pain.

Johanna said...

I am so sorry to hear you had a bad day but with every door that closes - a new one opens. Trust me and hang in there.

Lavies Circus Style said...

All these things in life , these obstacles are their to make su stronger! Im sure you are stronger now!

I hope i can maybe? Cheer You up with my next Re Design Mondays , Its full of color!

-->> www.laviescircustyles.com

Xx Lavie

Flavia Eriel said...

Great post!!!lovable pics!
Thanks for sharing!!!!do u want to Follow each other!?
CHIC STREET CHOC
FOLLOW ME ON FACEBOOK

dreamingincashmere said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. That is such a hard thing to be going through. I wish you all the best & I'm sure that something really great will come your way soon.:)
xoAmy
www.dreamingincashmere.com

Esra Estella said...

Love your blog! Wanna follow each other on GFC and Bloglovin, also on twitter? it would be very nice. just let me know and I'll follow you back asap! :D

Larissa said...

I really hate this business world where people stop thinking about anything social but they only think about how to get the highest profit! Its not human and its not graceful and its not respectfull at all! In Germany things are very similar and it makes me angry really often!
I hope things will turn out for better for you very soon!

Lots of love!

Laura said...

I'm so sorry for you, but I'm sure that this
experience will make you even stronger.
I wish you all the best, things will certainly
get better sooner than you think.


dearmisscoco.blogspot.de

hannah said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, I hope you're feeling at least a little better in yourself now. I think the important thing to keep reminding yourself in the coming days and weeks is that you really couldn't have done anything differently - you gave it your absolute all. You were great at your job, you were told that you are great at your job! It's just one of those things that shouldn't happen to anyone, but somehow still does. I can't believe the company would mislead you like this, they have a lot to answer for. I hope you manage to carry on and feel positive, when one door closes another opens xx

Green Tea and Cupcakes said...

Oooh honey contract work is horrible. My Husband has just gone through the same thing his contract got extended twice and he was told how fantastic he was and unfortunately his contract was not extended and Thursday was his last day. everything happens for a reason and something much bigger and better is just around the corner for you. Sending you a big hug and kisses.

Naaj Rona said...

I know it is very difficuly when you have you have out your heart and soul into it and you've been out of your comfort zone. But believe me it is not the end of the world. I am saying this because i have been there and has experienced it and still going through it. It is not easy for sure but wasting those precious pearls over something and someone that do not deserve it? definitely they are worth more than that. Get yourself together and be positive because something better is waiting for you. Once door has closed but another will open very soon. Instead of focusing on what has happened, try and look for something so that you are keeping yourself busy that way.

I wish yo all the best and hope you feel better soon. Sending you tons of love and keeping you in my prayers.

Naaj xx
http://naajronaslifestyle.blogspot.co.uk

Michaela said...

Oh dear.. you know what.. fuck' em! Pardon my French! They don't deserve you anyway, here you are trying your best and not being appreciated.. well then, you're probably better off without them, though I can imagine what a huge blow that must have been! I'm sure something else will come along, don't worry too much, every kick in the butt is a step forward, they say! Multinationals are bitches, I've been working for such corporations for the past years, and they always try to fuck up something.. (for ex. my husband fought for his right to his commission of up to 10K which they really tried to avoid giving.. we got it eventually).. cheer up, they're not worth your tears!

birdie to be said...

So sorry to hear this! Keep your chin up. Its so nice to be able to vent on the blog and have all this support around you. We are all thinking about you.

Speaking Prada said...

Aw, dear :( I know it's easy for someone from the outside to say this, but it's the true: don't be sad and stay strong. I know how devastated you must feel right now, but listen to me, there are plenty of other jobs in the world. You'll see that as soon as you realize you'll be working again on something that you love and that will bring you satisfaction and happiness. Don't ever Forget that "after the storm comes the rainbow" <3