My Birthday Part 1

My birthday post, finally! I had an extremely fun birthday with a few different celebrations and I am honestly so grateful to my friends and family for all the trouble that they went to to. A couple of weeks ago I went out with my family (parents and sister) and Rydog to Sydney city. We went on a short cocktail cruise around Sydney harbour and then to dinner at a hotel. It was a beautiful place, I only wish the weather was a bit better. The pictures in this post are all from this night. The weekend after Rydog's family took me out for dinner to a buffet restaurant which was also in Sydney city. It was really bright and fun atmosphere and I enjoyed a nice walk around the harbour afterwards. I hope I can obtain some pictures of this night later. Both of the nights were different and special in their own ways. I felt very sad once everything was over and I had to return to the realities of every day life.

I must admit that I had been dreading turning 21 for many months prior to my birthday. I guess its because I feel like I am still a teenager and very young at heart and sometimes I feel like I will never grow up and I fear being left behind in life. I wish I had done more with my life and made different decisions and becoming older is difficult for me to accept. Because of this reason I didn't really want a huge party like many people do when they are 21 but I certainly wanted to use the experience as a chance to go out and celebrate with the people that I love. The trouble that everyone went to certainly achieved what I desired for my birthday.

I wore my Alannah Hill dress for both occassions.












I am really looking forward to the Easter break at the end of this week and I will have two weeks off from university. I have many assessments to complete but also many events planned so I think I will have a fun time. I need some time to catch up with everything.

I'm sorry that I have been so negative on my blog lately but sometimes I need to express how I feel and also look back on this as a personal memory of how I was at certain times and what my life was like. The truth is that I am struggling right now and I am not too proud to admit it. Its difficult to explain everything just here but I feel very lost and to be perfectly honest, quite depressed and tired a lot of the time. I am struggling with basic tasks such as study and work which I used to do so easily in the past. Many people think that my life is good but that doesn't make it any easier for me because somehow I can't see that and I am not happy within myself. I feel extremely nervous and anxious and sometimes I can't even explain why. I know that a lot of my problems are associated with me living in the past and my inability to move on. I don't know what it is about the present that makes me always want to live in the past and go back and change things. I am constantly analysing my life and I will often sit for hours just thinking about behaviour and past events rather than actually living my current life.Recently a close friend of mine explain that I need to stop this analysis paralysis and relax and actually live my life. This is difficult to do in practice and instead I find myself analysing the fact that someone else noticed this about me. I could write about this for hours but I am not going to here. I don't know to what extent I should write about but I guess I need you, as my friends, to be here for me...