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I'm sitting here alone with a bottle of champagne on this Friday night. How ironic, champagne is usually for a celebration yet I've had the worst day ever. Lets just say I could use some friends right now...
I feel extremely foolish for what I wrote here about work changing my life and how I felt happy for the first time in as long as I could remember. Now I feel devastated, like my whole world has been destroyed; nothing has ever hurt me more and my heart is broken. As you probably know, I've been working in Sydney city for a large multinational corporation as a company secretarial officer. As a casual employee and with my first job out of university, I was led to believe that I would be trained up to take on the permanent role. Today I found out that plans have changed and in the coming weeks I'll be replaced by an individual with many years of experience in the field. There are a few specific reasons why it hurts so much.
Firstly, I found out that the company never had any intention of hiring me on a permanent basis. It was a policy of upper management that recently came to light. I first found out about this job in March and started in July; for almost six months I was given the impression that I'd have a permanent position. I was continually told how fantastic I was at the role and that the intention was always to train me; my coworkers knew right from the start that it was my first ever serious job. After today's news I've realised that the company merely used me as a casual employee until someone more experienced came along. I've been lied to and misled.
I know the business world is extremely competitive and I'm not the only person who has ever encountered this sort of experience. However, the reason I'm so devastated is because this job meant the entire world to me. I've never wanted anything more in my whole life. I took this job extremely seriously, I was incredibly motivated to learn, I stayed back late almost every day and to be honest I've never ever put so much effort into anything. I surprised myself; as a shy person with major anxieties, liasing with directors, calling randoms on the phone, meeting new people in a large corporate environment and assisting with the running of board meetings, was well out of my comfort zone. I never thought I'd be able to handle such tasks. I tried my hardest not to over analyse and to view criticism as a learning mechanism; this sort of thinking had previously been extremely foreign. I put my heart and soul into this job.It was my whole life. I thought hard work and dedication paid off but I'm no better off.
It was so much more than a job to me; it was the start of my new life; it was my recovery from a very depressing time. I'd been given the world. I felt positive, completely transformed and I was ready to move forward and build a life for myself. I was a different person; I finally though those dark days were behind me. I felt like a success story of depression and anxiety. I used to feel so happy that I'd sing and dance around the house frequently. I'd also drive my husband crazy with my continual conversations about life being wonderful, my years of study being worth it after previously feeling miserable and how grateful I was for the opportunity. For the first time in as long as I can remember, I didn't feel like a pathetic, worthless loser with nothing to offer. I was comfortable in myself and with life. For the first six months of this year I used to lie in bed most days and cry continually. The only solace was my blog. I was so depressed. It took everything within me to find the motivation to start work...but once I thought I'd been given a chance, I thrived.
To an extent I am proud of myself. I can walk away knowing that I applied maximum effort at all times and that there's actually nothing I could have done to get the permanent position. The company secretary was conservative and didn't want to give a first year out such incredible responsibility. He knew that from the start. It's frustrating because I finally felt proficient and capable of performing all tasks. I know I wasn't given a fair chance by this company. If I hadn't tried so hard, there would have always been a lot of doubts and what ifs present in my mind for eternity. In a strange way it's satisfying to know I couldn't have done any more.
Unfortunately it's a little hard to think like that now; I could honestly cry forever. As a person who struggles to find self worth, this is going to knock me back a lot. My greatest fear now is falling back into a deep depression.
My
manager has been wonderful. She was almost as devastated by the news as
I am. She said I didn't do anything wrong, it was rewarding to see my
progress and she was impressed by my dedication to the job. If it was up
to her, I would have a permanent role for life. She was the first
person in a long time who believed in me and made me feel worthy. On the
most miserable day of my life, I do feel like I've made a life long friend. I just wish I could have had the honor of working with her; I'm going to miss her.
It's been a difficult day; I certainly have supportive people in my life but not everyone understands. At the moment I don't want to talk about my long term job prospects or how many weeks I have left in my existing role. I need friends who care about how low I'm feeling right now, who understand how important this was to me and who, in a metaphoric sense, will cry with me. One day I will move on, but that will not be today.
Love to you x
Today I thought I'd show you a completely different way that I styled my black cardigan with the leopard print collar. I first posted about this amazing cardigan here. I like to think of this as a relatively classy and sophisticated outfit; hopefully with a vintage element, in contrast with the more casual and fun look when I last styled this cardigan. This is the first time I've worn this skirt. At first I wasn't sure about it but now I love it. I bought this skirt about a year and a half ago because it was an incredible bargain and I was drawn to the polka dots. I always intended to hem this skirt to slightly above my knees and I never got around to it. I was a little unsure of wearing it at this length because it was outside my comfort zone. It's also very different from the cut of skirt I usually wear; I generally find skater skirts more flattering. I'm sure it's pretty obvious that I have a very specific style and I don't deviate from it particularly often. As time went on, I never got around to making the intended changes to my skirt and it sat around in my wardrobe. Recently, I decided to give this skirt another chance and my opinion of it changed completely. I realised that making it shorter would actually detract from the style and cut of the skirt. I adore it just the way it is. It was almost as exciting as buying new clothes. I'm not sure what else I can wear with this skirt but there must be many possibilities; I'm sure many of my cardigans would pair rather nicely with it. My sisters in law helped me take these pictures a number of weeks ago; I was told I look like I'm going to Paris and I should wear this if I ever go there. To Sara of The Polished Edge, I say I definitely will!
This is my favourite photo from this set. I spotted a car and was running off the road to avoid it. Action shots are the best. For some reason I'm always fascinated by bloggers who are able to take photos on a road or train tracks. I first took photos on the road here and I thought they turned out really well....wow I have a lot to say about nothing!
Valleygirl Cardigan
Bardot Pencil Skirt
Forever New 'From Paris with Love' Bag
Sportsgirl Heels
Diva Hair Bow
Equip Earrings
A few people have asked about my job so I thought I'd use this opportunity to write in more detail about it. I work in a multinational corporation in Sydney city as a Company Secretarial Officer within Investment Management. Company secretarial is actually a legal job, quite contrary to the name. The main responsibilities are to ensure that the company complies with regulatory and legal obligations and board of director decisions are applied. This involves organising and attending meetings of directors, preparing agendas and minutes, ensuring that the company maintains necessary documentation and registers required by corporations law, being aware of meeting procedures under the company constitution and corporations legislation, liaising with directors, ensuring all returns to the Australian Securities and Investment Commission are made in a timely manner, supervising financial administration, and probably many other responsibilities which I'm yet to find out. As a Company Secretarial Officer, I assist the company secretary and I'm learning so much. It's a incredible experience.
Full time work has been positively life changing. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to start my very first job in such an established reputable company.I've also found an area of interest; I always worried what I'd do with my law degree given that I've never had any interest in actually being a lawyer. This way I'm using my degrees but I don't have to follow the traditional legal path which isn't right for me at all. The greatest benefit from full time work is the impact it's had on my confidence and how I feel in myself on a daily basis. As a long term sufferer of major anxiety and with self confidence issues, I never thought I'd be capable of anything like this. The amount of doubt and worry I went through before starting work was intense but for the first time in as long as I can remember I don't feel like a loser; I believe I'm capable of more than I've ever given myself credit for. I finally feel good enough and worthy of happiness. This sense of achievement feels incredible and provides motivation to try my best everyday. I love my workplace, I've met wonderful people; one in particular that has changed my life and values me for who I am.
This is so much more than a job for me; it's the start of the rest of my life. Work has filled a void of unhappiness; for the first time in so many years I feel happy and satisfied with where I'm at in life. It's been a long time coming and every day I cannot believe it's real. I've been through a lot to get where I am today; it's been a very personal journey. At my lowest points I couldn't see a future for myself but now I can't wait to build a better life. Looking back I believe everything happens for a reason. It was all worth it to reach where I'm at now. I never thought I'd say that. I hope it continues to remain so positive.
I'm still surprised that full time work is actually the best thing that's ever happened to me; I'm always so fearful of trying new experiences and stepping outside my comfort zone but it was exactly what I needed. It's inspired me to think more positively and value opportunities; I hope this will translate into other areas of life. I view long hours at work or stressful situations as a chance to progress my skills. Each morning I try and think about how much I value my current life situation. Take a chance and it may well pay off!
One of my greatest wishes in life is to use my experiences to help others. When I became depressed, extreme negativity occupied every moment of my every day and drained the life from me; it was incredibly exhausting. But there was the tiniest hope in me that one day, if I ever did get better and feel happy again, something positive could become of my journey. I have no idea how to put this into practice but it's a long term goal that I'll eventually work out. I'd love to help others to feel better and find the joy in life again. This rather ambitious goal motivates me frequently. There is hope for everyone; I've been right to the bottom. Of course, I'm still learning; worthwhile ventures take time. I'll always have to watch my anxiety but taking advantage of opportunities, believing in myself and keeping busy are the best ways for me to move forward and enjoy life. I'm very nervous about posting this, I'll probably experience extreme panic as I hit publish, so please be nice! I
have extreme admiration for bloggers who open up to us, share their
personal lives, have a genuine desire to help others and raise the
broader issues in life beyond fashion. I hope to write more about this in the future; writing is very helpful and satisfying.
"Life is like a rainbow, you need both the rain and the sun to make the colours appear."
Linking to: What I Wore Wednesday
I love midnight blue as an alternative to black at the moment. It's a colour I've overlooked up until this point but it really is very classy, sophisticated and classic. I'm drawn to midnight blue because it's a good option for me to wear to work. As I said before, my personal style and love of bold colours and patterns doesn't exactly align with the fact that I have degrees in commerce and law and am working in those areas. From being a student, I'm so used to wearing exactly what I want whenever I want and I didn't desire to give that up entirely when I entered the workforce. So instead of dressing in conservative corporate wear, I tend to wear my usual style but in darker colours. For example, the outfit I posted here is what I wore on my first day. I also have a dark dress with a white peter pan collar and I like to wear my navy blue cardigan over a polka dot dress. As time goes on, I'm sure I'll push the boundaries more and more because lets face it; dressing in beautiful clothes will increase my motivation to go to work! Midnight blue pieces can make such a statement too; I'm especially coveting those Christian Louboutins. Oh wow they are incredible!
Photos from: George, Alannah Hill, Boticca.com, Tarina Tarantino, Christian Louboutin, Market86.com
What are your thoughts on midnight blue?
These two stylish individuals, next to me, are wonderful! What great fun I have with my husband and sister.
On the weekend I traveled down to the Southern Highlands for my cousin's 21st birthday party (which was also the location of our wedding (see photos here and here). This is the outfit I wore on Saturday; I've been saving this dress for an event for quite sometime. In follow up to my post here about my love of heart print, I've been looking forward to showing you this dress. It's so difficult to find a dress with such a bold heart print; this was a bargain. New with tags, I purchased it on eBay for a fraction of the original price. It's actually a very versatile dress. I even wore it to work (obviously without the sequin cardigan). I like the colour of the cardigan with the dress and sequins are always a winner, right!? I've had this cardigan for years, I can't believe I've never posted it on my blog before. My shoes and coat are both new purchases. The sales have been so amazing lately; these shoes were only a third of the original retail price. I've never owned white heels before so it's exciting. I bought my coat from the Alannah Hill factory outlet. This is my main tip for acquiring Alannah Hill clothes at half price. Alannah Hill pieces are so timeless and classic that it doesn't matter if this coat, for example, is from last winter's collection. I adore this coat; the buttons and the detailing are so beautiful and girly; I've rarely seen anything so pretty! I've always been drawn to red coats too.
As I mentioned in my last post, blush is my new best friend. Why didn't I discover this before!? A few people have asked which one I'm using; it's physician's formula which you can find here. I chose this particular blush because the whole physicians formula range has the sweetest packaging. As it turns out, I couldn't be happier with my blush; just goes to show that decision making based entirely on pretty packaging can pay off.
I've decided to implement a budget in relation to my spending on clothes and shoes. I'll be starting this week. I'm so lucky with the opportunities I've been given in relation to work, I don't want to waste it on my clothing addiction. For the first time ever I want to be sensible about savings because I'm starting to see a future for myself, all because of work. When I do buy clothes, within budget, I'll probably feel less guilty about it, so it's all good! Full time work also, to an extent, distracts me from the constant desire to go shopping and to spend money.
Have a wonderful week!
Alannah Hill 'I Cannot Love' Coat
Alannah Hill 'Secret Whispers' Dress
Alannah Hill 'I Told them Nothing' Cardigan
Wittner 'Layne' Heels
Diva Earrings
Equip Hair Clip
Linking To: What I Wore Wednesday
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